It's October...

As I enter the month of my first due date, I am devastated. I saw October 1st on my phone, and I felt my heart crumble into a million pieces. All of my worst nightmares have come true...nothing has happened with our adoption and we're not pregnant. For some reason I thought the adoption happening or getting pregnant again would make everything alright. However, I now realize that a pregnancy or biological baby will not take away the pain or replace our baby from Ghana. Nor will our adopted son replace any biological children we have lost.

    In my mind I see our lives as puzzle pieces. Just like Lud's and my puzzle pieces fit together to become a couple and all of our family, friends, jobs, etc. are parts of our puzzle, each one of our babies are unique puzzle pieces that have their own space. We have holes in our puzzle now...some that will be filled eventually, and some that will remain empty. 

    See, I actually was pregnant again....for a few days. I had all the symptoms, and a few days later they disappeared. Emotionally it's been hard, but physically it was much easier since it was so early. We wanted that baby very badly and felt like the statistics were in our favor. I guess it wasn't meant to be, but in my mind and my heart I felt like it was perfect timing. It would have been a May baby.

     So, why am I saying or sharing all this? First, a major part of me feeling better has been to learn that we're not alone in this miscarriage thing. It may feel like we are one in a million because no one on my Facebook seems to miscarry. ;) However, so many people go through this. So, I'm putting it out there to comfort/connect with others. Also, we need your prayer. Pray that we will receive our referral soon. Pray that when we go to the fertility doctor next week, we'll feel that we're going to find some answers. 

     As sad and disappointed as we are, we still acknowledge that God is good. He takes care of us and wants good things for us. We hope that some day He'll give us the desires of our hearts-to be parents. Until then, we have to trust that He is in charge and knows best. I've been repeating Jeremiah 27:11 in my head over and over: 

                  

Thank you for loving and praying for us! 

 

Reflections

As I've been processing our pregnancy and miscarriage, I've reflected on how I feel and things I would do differently or the same the next time around. 

Here are my thoughts:

- I loved having sweet pea with me all the time. I feel lonely and empty without her. 

- Dates and milestones are the hardest. This past Wednesday marked exactly a month from when we found out we were pregnant. The magnitude of our loss really hit me that day, and I fell apart as soon as I got home from school. There will continue to be days that just remind me of what could have been and what  I'm not getting to have. I'll probably just randomly put myself to bed crying some days, and I think I need that in order to grieve. 

- I'm so thankful to have a husband who is grieving with me - some husbands aren't as empathetic, I'm sure. He lets me cry it out if I need to and gives me a shoulder to cry on. 

- I would definitely still tell close friends and family about our next pregnancy early. As hard as it was to share our sad news, the love that has outpoured during our loss has been so comforting to us. I would hate to be suffering through this alone. Miscarriage should not be something we hide from people we love. If we can celebrate together, we should be able to grieve together too. 

- A lot of people find a miscarriage uncomfortable to talk about and therefore avoid it in conversation. I think if you can talk about your pregnancy to everyone in sight, I (and other women) should be able to bring up our miscarriages in conversation too. 

- On the other hand, I've been amazed at how many women have been through what I've been through. I had no clue! So many women have shared with me. I hate that they had to go through what I'm going through, but it does make me feel less lonely. I think talking about it with someone who's been there is very therapeutic for me. As much as other women empathize, they can't relate as deeply if they haven't experienced it themselves. 

- Something about our loss has made having a baby so unreachable to me. Before the pregnancy, the adoption seemed so close. 2015 felt like the year we would have a baby, and now both pregnancy and adoption seem so far away that it looks like it could be 2016 before our baby comes home. I was so so excited about having a baby this Christmas. I'm so sad that we might be without a child again this Christmas. 

- Another comfort to me is God's love. There's no feeling we're experiencing right now that he hasn't experienced. Sometimes life just doesn't look like what we thought it would. I just pray that one day we'll have children. I sincerely don't care whether that's through adoption or biological. For right now, we'll just thank God for each other, our families, our friends, our co-workers, and our students. However, just because I'm thankful doesn't mean that I'll be "good!" or "great!" when I see people. I may just be "okay" and for right now I think it's alright to feel that way. 

It may seem crazy that I'm sharing all this on here, but I just feel like it's something that I need to talk about. It also may help people who read it to understand how women feel when they go through a miscarriage. 

So that was February, but this is March

So much has changed since my last two posts. This was not a post I was planning on writing. I was getting excited about doing those weekly updates and documenting my first pregnancy. Unfortunately those posts are not going to happen. 

Two weeks ago, we were snowed in. It was beautiful! 

I was enjoying getting to rest and just take care of the little baby in my tummy. However, we got a little scare one day when I went to take a shower and saw spotting. This lasted a couple of days and then I decided to see my doctor because it was worrying me. I went in that Friday morning and saw our sweet pea! The baby seemed fine and I felt reassured. 

I decided to go on down to Jackson to help my family get ready for a non-profit annual fundraiser party that my aunt is in charge of. We got to meet up with different family members, and I was sharing all my pictures of my little sweet pea. Everyone was so excited for us! 

Throughout the weekend, instead of the spotting getting better, it got worse. I kept taking the time to rest and it would get better, but every time I got up and moved around it got worse. Inside I was very worried, but every one said that it didn't necessarily mean anything bad. 

February was over...now it was March. On Sunday I made it home and just rested. On Monday morning at 4 am I woke up in terror, crying out, "I don't feel pregnant anymore!" Lud thought I was being a little dramatic, and I rallied to reason with myself that everything was okay. I decided to go on to school and throughout the day worried, worried, worried. 

I got an appointment that afternoon. When I went in, we went straight to the ultrasound room. To me, the baby just looked different. It didn't look right. The technician called in the doctor, and he told me what I already knew...he didn't see a heartbeat. He told me that I would have to go to the hospital and get some blood work taken on Monday and Wednesday just to make sure. 

Talk about terrible! That afternoon and the days that followed have been the worst days ever. Having to explain to a lab technician that I'm in the middle of a miscarriage, can they please hurry up and take my blood, is humiliating. 

Thursday was the day we would find out for sure, but let's just say that the classic signs of a miscarriage began before then and yet again, I knew before the doctor could tell me that I was no longer pregnant. He suggested we go ahead and get a d&c that day. I'm glad he did. I've felt so much better (physically) since then. 

We're still struggling emotionally. The "what could have beens" with our loved sweet pea swirl through our minds. For me personally, it's hard knowing what it feels like to be pregnant and for it just to disappear. We loved our sweet pea, and we mourn it(it wasn't even a boy or girl yet), but we trust that God is good all the time. Some people's journey to parenthood is easy, and some people's journeys are more difficult, but in the end, God's promises are good. So, we look forward to those good days!

These past few weeks have been filled with our highest highs and our lowest lows. So many friends and family have been so sweet and loving, and we cherish each person's sweet words.