Here are my thoughts:
- I loved having sweet pea with me all the time. I feel lonely and empty without her.
- Dates and milestones are the hardest. This past Wednesday marked exactly a month from when we found out we were pregnant. The magnitude of our loss really hit me that day, and I fell apart as soon as I got home from school. There will continue to be days that just remind me of what could have been and what I'm not getting to have. I'll probably just randomly put myself to bed crying some days, and I think I need that in order to grieve.
- I'm so thankful to have a husband who is grieving with me - some husbands aren't as empathetic, I'm sure. He lets me cry it out if I need to and gives me a shoulder to cry on.
- I would definitely still tell close friends and family about our next pregnancy early. As hard as it was to share our sad news, the love that has outpoured during our loss has been so comforting to us. I would hate to be suffering through this alone. Miscarriage should not be something we hide from people we love. If we can celebrate together, we should be able to grieve together too.
- A lot of people find a miscarriage uncomfortable to talk about and therefore avoid it in conversation. I think if you can talk about your pregnancy to everyone in sight, I (and other women) should be able to bring up our miscarriages in conversation too.
- On the other hand, I've been amazed at how many women have been through what I've been through. I had no clue! So many women have shared with me. I hate that they had to go through what I'm going through, but it does make me feel less lonely. I think talking about it with someone who's been there is very therapeutic for me. As much as other women empathize, they can't relate as deeply if they haven't experienced it themselves.
- Something about our loss has made having a baby so unreachable to me. Before the pregnancy, the adoption seemed so close. 2015 felt like the year we would have a baby, and now both pregnancy and adoption seem so far away that it looks like it could be 2016 before our baby comes home. I was so so excited about having a baby this Christmas. I'm so sad that we might be without a child again this Christmas.
- Another comfort to me is God's love. There's no feeling we're experiencing right now that he hasn't experienced. Sometimes life just doesn't look like what we thought it would. I just pray that one day we'll have children. I sincerely don't care whether that's through adoption or biological. For right now, we'll just thank God for each other, our families, our friends, our co-workers, and our students. However, just because I'm thankful doesn't mean that I'll be "good!" or "great!" when I see people. I may just be "okay" and for right now I think it's alright to feel that way.
It may seem crazy that I'm sharing all this on here, but I just feel like it's something that I need to talk about. It also may help people who read it to understand how women feel when they go through a miscarriage.
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