It's October...

As I enter the month of my first due date, I am devastated. I saw October 1st on my phone, and I felt my heart crumble into a million pieces. All of my worst nightmares have come true...nothing has happened with our adoption and we're not pregnant. For some reason I thought the adoption happening or getting pregnant again would make everything alright. However, I now realize that a pregnancy or biological baby will not take away the pain or replace our baby from Ghana. Nor will our adopted son replace any biological children we have lost.

    In my mind I see our lives as puzzle pieces. Just like Lud's and my puzzle pieces fit together to become a couple and all of our family, friends, jobs, etc. are parts of our puzzle, each one of our babies are unique puzzle pieces that have their own space. We have holes in our puzzle now...some that will be filled eventually, and some that will remain empty. 

    See, I actually was pregnant again....for a few days. I had all the symptoms, and a few days later they disappeared. Emotionally it's been hard, but physically it was much easier since it was so early. We wanted that baby very badly and felt like the statistics were in our favor. I guess it wasn't meant to be, but in my mind and my heart I felt like it was perfect timing. It would have been a May baby.

     So, why am I saying or sharing all this? First, a major part of me feeling better has been to learn that we're not alone in this miscarriage thing. It may feel like we are one in a million because no one on my Facebook seems to miscarry. ;) However, so many people go through this. So, I'm putting it out there to comfort/connect with others. Also, we need your prayer. Pray that we will receive our referral soon. Pray that when we go to the fertility doctor next week, we'll feel that we're going to find some answers. 

     As sad and disappointed as we are, we still acknowledge that God is good. He takes care of us and wants good things for us. We hope that some day He'll give us the desires of our hearts-to be parents. Until then, we have to trust that He is in charge and knows best. I've been repeating Jeremiah 27:11 in my head over and over: 

                  

Thank you for loving and praying for us!