It's October...

As I enter the month of my first due date, I am devastated. I saw October 1st on my phone, and I felt my heart crumble into a million pieces. All of my worst nightmares have come true...nothing has happened with our adoption and we're not pregnant. For some reason I thought the adoption happening or getting pregnant again would make everything alright. However, I now realize that a pregnancy or biological baby will not take away the pain or replace our baby from Ghana. Nor will our adopted son replace any biological children we have lost.

    In my mind I see our lives as puzzle pieces. Just like Lud's and my puzzle pieces fit together to become a couple and all of our family, friends, jobs, etc. are parts of our puzzle, each one of our babies are unique puzzle pieces that have their own space. We have holes in our puzzle now...some that will be filled eventually, and some that will remain empty. 

    See, I actually was pregnant again....for a few days. I had all the symptoms, and a few days later they disappeared. Emotionally it's been hard, but physically it was much easier since it was so early. We wanted that baby very badly and felt like the statistics were in our favor. I guess it wasn't meant to be, but in my mind and my heart I felt like it was perfect timing. It would have been a May baby.

     So, why am I saying or sharing all this? First, a major part of me feeling better has been to learn that we're not alone in this miscarriage thing. It may feel like we are one in a million because no one on my Facebook seems to miscarry. ;) However, so many people go through this. So, I'm putting it out there to comfort/connect with others. Also, we need your prayer. Pray that we will receive our referral soon. Pray that when we go to the fertility doctor next week, we'll feel that we're going to find some answers. 

     As sad and disappointed as we are, we still acknowledge that God is good. He takes care of us and wants good things for us. We hope that some day He'll give us the desires of our hearts-to be parents. Until then, we have to trust that He is in charge and knows best. I've been repeating Jeremiah 27:11 in my head over and over: 

                  

Thank you for loving and praying for us! 

 

Reflections

As I've been processing our pregnancy and miscarriage, I've reflected on how I feel and things I would do differently or the same the next time around. 

Here are my thoughts:

- I loved having sweet pea with me all the time. I feel lonely and empty without her. 

- Dates and milestones are the hardest. This past Wednesday marked exactly a month from when we found out we were pregnant. The magnitude of our loss really hit me that day, and I fell apart as soon as I got home from school. There will continue to be days that just remind me of what could have been and what  I'm not getting to have. I'll probably just randomly put myself to bed crying some days, and I think I need that in order to grieve. 

- I'm so thankful to have a husband who is grieving with me - some husbands aren't as empathetic, I'm sure. He lets me cry it out if I need to and gives me a shoulder to cry on. 

- I would definitely still tell close friends and family about our next pregnancy early. As hard as it was to share our sad news, the love that has outpoured during our loss has been so comforting to us. I would hate to be suffering through this alone. Miscarriage should not be something we hide from people we love. If we can celebrate together, we should be able to grieve together too. 

- A lot of people find a miscarriage uncomfortable to talk about and therefore avoid it in conversation. I think if you can talk about your pregnancy to everyone in sight, I (and other women) should be able to bring up our miscarriages in conversation too. 

- On the other hand, I've been amazed at how many women have been through what I've been through. I had no clue! So many women have shared with me. I hate that they had to go through what I'm going through, but it does make me feel less lonely. I think talking about it with someone who's been there is very therapeutic for me. As much as other women empathize, they can't relate as deeply if they haven't experienced it themselves. 

- Something about our loss has made having a baby so unreachable to me. Before the pregnancy, the adoption seemed so close. 2015 felt like the year we would have a baby, and now both pregnancy and adoption seem so far away that it looks like it could be 2016 before our baby comes home. I was so so excited about having a baby this Christmas. I'm so sad that we might be without a child again this Christmas. 

- Another comfort to me is God's love. There's no feeling we're experiencing right now that he hasn't experienced. Sometimes life just doesn't look like what we thought it would. I just pray that one day we'll have children. I sincerely don't care whether that's through adoption or biological. For right now, we'll just thank God for each other, our families, our friends, our co-workers, and our students. However, just because I'm thankful doesn't mean that I'll be "good!" or "great!" when I see people. I may just be "okay" and for right now I think it's alright to feel that way. 

It may seem crazy that I'm sharing all this on here, but I just feel like it's something that I need to talk about. It also may help people who read it to understand how women feel when they go through a miscarriage. 

So that was February, but this is March

So much has changed since my last two posts. This was not a post I was planning on writing. I was getting excited about doing those weekly updates and documenting my first pregnancy. Unfortunately those posts are not going to happen. 

Two weeks ago, we were snowed in. It was beautiful! 

I was enjoying getting to rest and just take care of the little baby in my tummy. However, we got a little scare one day when I went to take a shower and saw spotting. This lasted a couple of days and then I decided to see my doctor because it was worrying me. I went in that Friday morning and saw our sweet pea! The baby seemed fine and I felt reassured. 

I decided to go on down to Jackson to help my family get ready for a non-profit annual fundraiser party that my aunt is in charge of. We got to meet up with different family members, and I was sharing all my pictures of my little sweet pea. Everyone was so excited for us! 

Throughout the weekend, instead of the spotting getting better, it got worse. I kept taking the time to rest and it would get better, but every time I got up and moved around it got worse. Inside I was very worried, but every one said that it didn't necessarily mean anything bad. 

February was over...now it was March. On Sunday I made it home and just rested. On Monday morning at 4 am I woke up in terror, crying out, "I don't feel pregnant anymore!" Lud thought I was being a little dramatic, and I rallied to reason with myself that everything was okay. I decided to go on to school and throughout the day worried, worried, worried. 

I got an appointment that afternoon. When I went in, we went straight to the ultrasound room. To me, the baby just looked different. It didn't look right. The technician called in the doctor, and he told me what I already knew...he didn't see a heartbeat. He told me that I would have to go to the hospital and get some blood work taken on Monday and Wednesday just to make sure. 

Talk about terrible! That afternoon and the days that followed have been the worst days ever. Having to explain to a lab technician that I'm in the middle of a miscarriage, can they please hurry up and take my blood, is humiliating. 

Thursday was the day we would find out for sure, but let's just say that the classic signs of a miscarriage began before then and yet again, I knew before the doctor could tell me that I was no longer pregnant. He suggested we go ahead and get a d&c that day. I'm glad he did. I've felt so much better (physically) since then. 

We're still struggling emotionally. The "what could have beens" with our loved sweet pea swirl through our minds. For me personally, it's hard knowing what it feels like to be pregnant and for it just to disappear. We loved our sweet pea, and we mourn it(it wasn't even a boy or girl yet), but we trust that God is good all the time. Some people's journey to parenthood is easy, and some people's journeys are more difficult, but in the end, God's promises are good. So, we look forward to those good days!

These past few weeks have been filled with our highest highs and our lowest lows. So many friends and family have been so sweet and loving, and we cherish each person's sweet words. 

How We Found Out!

I'm going to use the blog as a little journal for the pregnancy, so there may be a few more personal details on here. I really just want to write it down so we can remember all the details!

Last January, since the adoption had slowed down so much, we decided to stop preventing things and really wanted to give God the control over when we would have a baby. (Biological or adopted) Fast forward to this January and nothing had happened on either front. Needless to say that we were somewhat frustrated and sad that we didn't have a baby by now, but we knew God was in control. Then we got the news at the end of January that we could get a referral soon. We were so excited! 

We were so excited that I didn't notice that I was late. However, this had been the norm over the past year, so when I realized it, I wasn't that worried about it. But- this last Wednesday (February 18th) I had this urgency to confirm it was nothing so I didn't have to think about it anymore. This had become such a common occurance over the past year that I just ran by Fred's and bought the cheapest test they had. The lady at Fred's took forever! I went straight from there  to the Ash Wednesday service. After the service, I felt like I just needed to get it over with. I ran home real fast and to my astonishment, it was positive! 

I was in shock! So, I ran up to the Wesley Foundation (which the service had already started) and pulled Lud into the TV room. I showed him the picture on my phone and said, "Look at this!" He thought that he was going to be looking at a referral email, so when he saw a positive pregnancy test he was flabbergasted! He smiled real big and said he was excited. I said that I was going to call my mom. I ran out the back and called her like 5 times, but she didn't answer. I went back in and tried to focus on worship and Lud's message. 

Right after the service was over, my mom called back and I bolted out the door! The first thing I said was, "I think I'm pregnant!!!" Mama started squealing for joy and swore that she'd had a dream the night before that I was. We talked for awhile and then I texted my siblings the picture of the test and explained what it meant. To say that they were surprised is an understatement! They were super excited too! 

After Lud got done at Wesley, he hurried home and we just sat and talked in amazement of our news. I went to sleep (or tried to sleep), and Lud called his parents. They were so excited, and his mom sobbed tears of happiness. Ha! 

The next morning I got a quick appointment at my doctor's office, and they confirmed the good news!

We are still in amazement!

A Little Detour

Well, we recently found out some news that will be a little detour in our adoption journey. 

I'm pregnant! 

Here's our little peanut:

While we knew this was a possibility, it is a complete shock and surprise! We have had this image in our minds of receiving a referral in the next few months. So, to be honest, I've been alternating between extreme joy over the pregnancy and sadness over our adoption being delayed. However, we have been praying for over a year that God would provide us a child in whichever way he sees fit. So, if right now it's biologically, we are wholeheartedly thankful! 

Baby Ludlam will be here in October! What a blessing! I knew 2015 was going to be a good year! 

Long Time, No Update

Well, it's been a little over a year later, and no, we didn't bring a baby home in 2014. It ended up being a year of illness (for me), losing weight (for both of us!), and good family time. But, during 2014 there was really no movement in our adoption. I have to admit, as much as we have tried to trust that everything will happen in God's timing, the wait has gotten difficult. We've had some hard days, especially in the past few months. 

However, things are beginning to warm back up in the adoption process in Ghana. We have seen a referral go out to a family for the first time in 18 months! PLUS- we just found out that we are NEXT in line for a referral for our agency, and they are actively working on finding the perfect match for our family! 

This is my excited face!

Will we get a referral in the next couple of days or weeks? Probably not, but hopefully we will receive it in the upcoming months of 2015. 

Please, please, please pray that they find our child and match us soon. The longer we wait, the older our child grows without his family. We are so thankful to God that he has refreshed us with this exciting news! We really needed it. 

Here's to 2015! Things can only go up from 2014! Ha!

 

Farewell, 2013!

By the end of 2013, I was so ready to say farewell! Since my blogging has fallen by the wayside, I wanted to summarize and reflect on 2013 here in hopes of blogging more in 2014.

Here we go!

January brought the passing of my grandfather and officially beginning the adoption process. We cleaned and cleaned our house and drugged up our dogs for our first homestudy visit. Other than Oby having a bad reaction and passing out, our visit went really well! Lud turned 29!

In February, we traveled down to Jackson for our individual interviews for our homestudy. We met our social worker at Cups, and a girl who overheard Lud's answers to her questions came up to me and said, "Your husband is answering those questions REALLY well!" Ha! Lud went to Wesley Statewide where he enjoyed hearing Bishop Swanson speak and I went to my friend Anna's wedding. Her reception playlist of our favorite high school songs was so fun!

In March, we did absolutely nothing for spring break (which was probably nice, I can't really remember, ha!) At the end of the month, we traveled to Oxford to complete our first round of fingerprinting and had a great Easter hosting Delta State international students for lunch at the Wesley.

In April, I turned 26 which made me start feel like 30 would come too soon. I also ran my first 5k. I have to admit I was pretty proud!

In May, we had a yard sale for our adoption. We were very blessed to receive so many donations from our friends, family, and church family! I had several interviews with the Cleveland School District and was offered an inclusion teacher position. Therefore, I also concluded my third and final school year at East Sunflower Elementary School. It was definitely bittersweet because I loved my students and coworkers there!

In June, we decided to celebrate our 4 year anniversary camping down in Louisiana. Let's just say that camping on a beach on the Gulf of Mexico in summer is not as picturesque as it may seem and Lud didn't catch any fish in the fish capital of the world, soooo one of my best friends came to the rescue and let us stay with her in New Orleans. We really enjoyed exploring N.O. for a couple of days and ate the best food! At the end of the month I went to the beach with some girlfriends. Reading on the beach, eating good food, and just being together was great fun!

In July, we finally collected the rest of our paperwork and turned in everything for our dossier! It was such a relief to turn in that mound of paperwork and then we started the stage of waiting to be matched with our son. My family had a "staycation" in Corinth because my grandmother really can't travel. We woke up slowly on the porch, lounged by the pool, and ate well every night. It was a good week just spending time together! I also took my last class and my comps for my masters. Thank the Lord I passed and was done with all that work! At the end of the month we drove our niece and nephew back to Texas after a week with the grandparents. We had a wonderful time going to a Texas Rangers game, exploring the Stockyards in Fort Worth, and hanging out at the pool.

In August, I was very thankful to have my new job because we started school later than all the other school districts around. I got to go to Corinth to see my brother start the first day of his senior year. Then, we had our Wesley servant team retreat to get ready for our 4th school year at the Delta State Wesley Foundation. Right when I started my job there was a turn of events in which I had to change schools. While it was surprising to us, I know God knew the whole time that I would end up there. I love my new principal, coworkers, and most of the students! 

In September, our first Wesley worship service had around 100 students. It was a very powerful and special service! I improved my time at my second 5k, and Lud surprised me with an overnight trip to Natchez. I loved the old mansions, and we ate pretty well too, ha!

In October, my family traveled to Nashville to watch my little cousin in his school musical. He was so cute! We also took a few more day trips to visit with family and friends.

In November, my sister and I took the best sister trip ever to Disney World! It was just magical! Right before Thanksgiving, my grandmother had a fall and ended up in the hospital. She developed pneumonia very quickly and was pretty sick for a couple of weeks. I was so blessed to be able to be with her at the hospital during the week of Thanksgiving. After numerous car problems, Lud finally met me at his parents' house to have Thanksgiving with his family. The following weekend, we had Thanksgiving with my family too.

December brought my grandmother home in a much more weakened state than she had been a mere month ago. This somewhat clouded my Christmas spirit, but serving communion at my parents' church on Christmas Eve was definitely a highlight of the season. Right after Christmas we jumped in the car to take some Wesley students to a missions conference in Kentucky. It really renewed our passion for missions! 

Looking back over 2013, I am especially convicted at how blessed Lud and I are. Although 2013 was emotionally challenging for me, I know and am thankful for God's faithfulness and Jesus's sacrifice.  We continue to wait to see our son's face and are hopeful that 2014 will be the year we bring him home. However, our lives will not be on hold until then- we look forward to working on our church's missions committee this upcoming year, I will continue to learn and develop as an inclusion teacher, and Lud will work on his thesis project for seminary. I pray that 2014 will be an amazing year for everyone!

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23